Situation Wanted

Lean in, lean out, recline. Federation leader, tired of being told how to position herself, interested in new employment opportunity based on experience and skills, not posture.

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JESNA to Become Jewish Educational Services of the United States

by Dr. Gabe Goldman
International Reporter

New York: JESNA (Jewish Education Service of North America), which served as the Jewish federation’s national educational agency from 1981 to 2013, will open its doors again under its new name, Jewish Education Services of the United States (JESUS). Dr. Jonathan Woocher, said about the new initiative. “JESNA closed its doors in 2013 because it had achieved its goal of educating every Jew in American. JESNA was a victim of its own success. We simply ran out of uneducated Jews. At the same time, however, we discovered that virtually none of the 295 million Christians living in this country had any Jewish education at all! They have never lived in a sukkah, made a Shabbat challah or beat their breasts on Yom Kippur. And this is sad.” Woocher went on to explain that JESUS will work in cooperation with national Catholic and Protestant organizations to provide Christians of all ages with quality, Jewish education. “Our first goal,” Woocher explained as he raised a piece of matzah, “is to ensure that every Christian in the United States has the opportunity to experience a Passover Seder.” He paused before adding, “G-d willing.”

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Vatican Declares Yom HaShoah Catholic Holocaust Day

by Dr. Gabe Goldman
International Reporter

Rome, Italy: Pope Francis shocked Catholics worldwide by proclaiming Yom HaShoah to be the Catholic Holocaust Day. The Holy See announced, “There are those sitting here today, myself included, who remember the terrible years of Nazi persecution. The time has come for all Catholics to share in the collective guilt of this horror.” This startling proclamation followed the opening of the Vatican Archives to the public concerning the action of Pope Pius XII during the Second World War. Rabbi Abraham Skorka, rector of the Latin American Rabbinical Seminary in Buenos, and an international team of Jewish scholars were the first to review Archive documents. After the review, Rabbi Skorka was heard to mumble, “Oy vehs mir.” Catholic Holocaust Remembrance Day will feature the collecting of millions of paper clips, the showing of the mini-TV series, Shoah; and workshops on tolerance. It is not clear at this time whether gays, homosexuals, transsexuals, metrosexuals and kinky heterosexuals will be allowed to participate in these workshops.

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American Jewish University and Yum Brands, Inc. Form Partnership

by Dr. Gabe Goldman
International Reporter

Los Angeles: The American Jewish University (AJU) has forged a new partnership with Yum Brands, operators of Taco Bell, KFC and Pizza Hut restaurants worldwide. The new partnership will merge the AJU’s Fingerhut School of Education with Pizza Hut resulting in the new, Pizza Hut School of Education. “We are extremely excited by this partnership,” said Dr. Robert Wexler, President of the University. “Not only will this partnership bring increased funding to the program but will also provide each of our graduate students with a job and a car!” Under the new agreement, each graduate student will receive a Pizza Hut car and a pizza delivery schedule that allows him/her to continue their graduate studies. The partnership is not without controversy, however. Members of the University faculty have threatened to protest plans to serve Pizza Hut pizzas in the university cafeteria. Rabbi Brad Artson, Dean of the Rabbinic School said, “These are tref pizzas. What will they do next, start a hog farm?

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The Fifth and Final “i” – INCOME

by Mordechai Shushan

February 24, 2013 – Jewish innovation funders have suspended organizational grantmaking and announced direct payments to individuals in exchange for signing a Jewish loyalty oath. In a stunning turn of events, major supporters of the so-called “Jewish innovation ecosystem” have announced they will end support to the myriad Jewish startups they’ve seeded over the past decade and opt for a direct to consumer strategy. “It was the obvious next step in our increasingly desperate attempts to ensure the Jewish future.” said one foundation professional. “I mean, how many organic cooperative eco-dance farm spiritual collectives can you stand? We’ve just decided to bottom-line the value proposition.

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New Leadership Venture, “Bereishit,” Starts at the Beginning

A consortium of five Jewish Federations has announced a new initiative aimed at building a new generation of Jewish leaders – starting before birth. “Bereishit” is believed to be the first pre-natal leadership training program in the United States.

“Look, we know the indicators for outstanding Jewish leaders,” said demographer Seamus Katz. “Their parents are Jewishly active, well-connected, and can afford to give them Jewish experiences like dayschools, summer camp, and trips to Israel. And we have that information before their children are born. So why not act on it now and avoid years of needless delay?”

The new program will draw on previous training programs for the very young such as “Baby Einstein” and “TeleTubbies,” but it will go further. It will include MP3 recordings that can be played to the baby in the womb, repeating words like “campaign” and “committee” together with cooing and laughing.

Stuart Little, president of the Tri-City Jewish Federation, offered an optimistic prediction. “It often takes about ten years for a young Jewish leader to become an active donor,” he observed. “Thanks to this program, we can look for leadership gifts to our campaigns by the age of ten. We’re thrilled.”

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Single Jews Who Enjoy Dressing Casually Congregate in Israel

Hundreds of single Jews in their 20’s and 30’s have congregated in Israel for some kind of conference/convention/gathering. When asked what the gathering was about, many of those in attendance couldn’t wait to describe what they were doing there. They all had a lot of energy and the one thing they all enjoyed was dressing in an extremely casual fashion. Josh Blumberg of town no one has heard of New Jersey said, “We are all very excited to be here! We basically get together and discuss Jewish things that have been discussed by many other Jewish groups.” Sharon Schwartz of another small town in New Jersey was also thrilled to be taking part in the conference. “We try and get Jews together to try and get grants from other organizations so we can keep gathering and get more grants”.

While many of the Jews have come from all over the world, they all share a common bond in trying to avoid dressing in any formal wear.

Avoiding the general work force also was a common theme. Jodi Felzenjew, one of the organizers of the conference/convention/gathering, now commonly known as the C.C.G., was very happy at the turnout. “We are trying to officially become an acronym. We feel that will really help us. Once the CCG has stationary that says CCG, we feel people will be embarrassed to ask what it stands for because it will make them feel ignorant. That’s when we really want to start going for larger grants.

“While there are at least seven other organizations who also gather to simply talk about being Jewish and doing Jewish things, the CCG does have a much higher blog rating and a larger group percentage wise that plays acoustic guitar. The CCG also has many speakers that speak about being Jewish and what it means to be Jewish, not only in Israel, but abroad as well.

The CCG plans to meet each summer and will continue to dress casually.

For further information go to:

a special guest post by:
Avi Liberman is a standup comedian who has made regular appearances on Craig Ferguson, Showtime and Comedy Central. He organizes and performs in the biannual Comedy For Koby tour which brings American comedians to Israel to help benefit the Koby Mandell Foundation. the next tour will begin May 31st in Modiin. For more info please go to Avi can be reached at

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