American Jewish University to Grow New Strain of Marijuana – “Nuclear Wasted”

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By Gabe Goldman
NY Times Reporter

A short drive from Los Angeles into Simi Valley finds the Brandeis Bardin Campus of the American Jewish University – 3,000 acres of lush and fertile soil – and soon to be home of one of the largest marijuana farms in California. This new venture, brainchild of Development Director Jay Street, is slated to begin in June of this year and promises to provide a new and “extremely powerful” strain of grass to be called “Nuclear Wasted.”

“We are very excited about our new venture,” Street said, as he points to the wild mustard growing on the hillside. “See how tall that mustard is – at least three feet taller than any other mustard in Southern California. This time next year we’ll have a thousand acres planted with Nuclear Wasted. And you’re going to see the tallest and thickest Mary Jane plants you’ve ever seen.”

When asked whether the University was concerned about growing weed directly below the Santa Susana Nuclear Test Lab and site of a nuclear clean-up, Mr. Street responded, “Concerned, hell no – what do you think makes the plants grow so tall?! Our only concern is that environmental groups are going to get the site cleaned up too soon.” Later Street said he was only kidding and that there’s no way the Santa Susana site will be cleaned up before the middle of the century.

Sam (The Hulk) Levitson, Director of the Campus Facilities, noted three benefits the new marijuana initiative offers. “First, this gives us a real advantage recruiting new students who will each receive a free ounce of grass upon arrival at the campus. Second, we will have NO trouble booking our year round conference center.” When asked about the third benefit, Levitson only replied, “Huh?

Josh Hemp, current director of Camp Alonim, will be the new Director of Marijuana Operations working with Aryeh Golddigger who oversees the Fellowship program at the University’s newly launched Institute for Jewish Creativity. Hemp stressed the importance of quality crop control to ensure product consistency and guaranteed that he would personally conduct quality testing. Golddigger plans to recruit new Fellows from Hawaii, Afghanistan, Thailand and other high-quality marijuana producing countries to care for the crop. As Golddigger put it, “This is a new high for the AJU and I am proud to be part of this grass-roots movement.” Hemp smiled and gave a “420” salute.

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