Mormon Church Offers to Purchase Unaffiliated Jews

by Dr Gabe

The Ruling Council of the Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) shocked the Jewish world by offering to buy its unaffiliated Jews, estimated in the millions. John H. Hinkey III, President of the Ruling Council, said, “We are not trying to interfere with Judaism. We just need to increase our numbers and unaffiliated Jews are one way to do it. And, we’re paying good money for them!” The Mormon offer started at $50/Jew but has steadily risen over the past 72 hours to over $500/person. Rabbi Mordecai ben Baruski noted that “as soon as the Catholics started bidding, the price began to skyrocket.” Protestant, Unitarian and Baha’i bids have also been submitted. The Los Angeles Jewish Community has already indicated that it is willing to deal when the price hits $1,000.

Mark Simons, Director of the Los Angeles Jewish Community Relations Council, expressed his hope that a religious organization will step up and meet the price. “These are Jews that aren’t doing anything for the Los Angeles Jewish community. They donate to the cultural arts and take trips to Ireland instead of Israel. We estimate there are over 1,000,000 unaffiliated Jews in the Los Angeles area that would bring in a windfall of over $1 Billion Dollars for the Federation – and them ain’t no small apples.”

Not unexpected, the International Lubabivitch Organization vehemently opposes the Mormon initiative. “We see this Momon invasion as an attack on Chabaniks worldwide,” Rabbi Gershon ben Gershonides said at a morning press conference. “For years, Chabad has become the home of unaffiliated Jews and we won’t let this vital source of revenue get away from us without a fight.” When asked if the reports were true that Chabad was refitting Mitzvah Mobiles with bullhorns and Chabbad niggunim cds in a planned assault on the Mormon headquarters in Salt Lake City, Rabbi Baruski smiled and said, “We can rock with the best. They don’t know what they’re in for now.”

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