PEW Researchers Make Mistake – American Jewry Is in Great Shape

by Dr Gabe

PEW Study researchers admitted today that they had made a critical error in their collection and interpretation of data they used in painting such a dismal picture of American Jewry and its future. Continue reading

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Upcoming Event: High Priest Bootcamp

PAID ADVERTISEMENT
High Priest Boot Camp, June 27-July 27, 2015 – Pittsburgh, PA

vulcan signDid you ever want to stand in front of your congregation to bless them?

Have you tried but failed to make the Vulcan “peace” sign also shared by Judaism’s high priests?

Are you actually a Levite or Israelite who simply wants to “pass” as a Kohen (High Priest)?

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Mormon Church Offers to Purchase Unaffiliated Jews

by Dr Gabe

The Ruling Council of the Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) shocked the Jewish world by offering to buy its unaffiliated Jews, estimated in the millions. John H. Hinkey III, President of the Ruling Council, said, “We are not trying to interfere with Judaism. We just need to increase our numbers and unaffiliated Jews are one way to do it. And, we’re paying good money for them!” Continue reading

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Jewish Federations of North America Announce Diaspora-Israel Jewry Initiative Plan

Will spend billions of (yet to be raised) donor dollars to save Israel’s Jews from tapas, supermodels, and cell phone addiction.

by Asher V. Rausch

New York: In a bold departure from its solipsistic anxiety about institutional preservation despite numerous signs of market irrelevance, Jewish Federations of North America (JFNA) has announced a major initiative to fix what is broken about the Jewish identity of the average Israeli.

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The Pew-rim Report – Assimilation in Shushan

by Mordechai Shushan
with guidance from his friends at Makon

The results of the in-depth research into Jewish norms in Shushan recently released by the Pew Foundation (The Pew-rim Report) reveal worrying signs of growing assimilation, affecting the future of the Jewish People in Persia’s empire.

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Situation Wanted

Lean in, lean out, recline. Federation leader, tired of being told how to position herself, interested in new employment opportunity based on experience and skills, not posture.

Respond to frustrated_exec@largecityfederation.org

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JESNA to Become Jewish Educational Services of the United States

by Dr. Gabe Goldman
International Reporter

New York: JESNA (Jewish Education Service of North America), which served as the Jewish federation’s national educational agency from 1981 to 2013, will open its doors again under its new name, Jewish Education Services of the United States (JESUS). Dr. Jonathan Woocher, said about the new initiative. “JESNA closed its doors in 2013 because it had achieved its goal of educating every Jew in American. JESNA was a victim of its own success. We simply ran out of uneducated Jews. At the same time, however, we discovered that virtually none of the 295 million Christians living in this country had any Jewish education at all! They have never lived in a sukkah, made a Shabbat challah or beat their breasts on Yom Kippur. And this is sad.” Woocher went on to explain that JESUS will work in cooperation with national Catholic and Protestant organizations to provide Christians of all ages with quality, Jewish education. “Our first goal,” Woocher explained as he raised a piece of matzah, “is to ensure that every Christian in the United States has the opportunity to experience a Passover Seder.” He paused before adding, “G-d willing.”

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