A short drive from Los Angeles into Simi Valley finds the Brandeis Bardin Campus of the American Jewish University – 3,000 acres of lush and fertile soil – and soon to be home of one of the largest marijuana farms in California. This new venture, brainchild of Development Director Jay Street, is slated to begin in June of this year and promises to provide a new and “extremely powerful” strain of grass to be called “Nuclear Wasted.”
Mikveh to be used by GA guests; Kashrut certified by Queen Sara – who instructed the planning team to have bottle return stations available through-out the hotel
By Mordechai Shushan
The Jewish Federations of North America (JFNA) announced today that the 2015 GA will be held at Las Vegas’s Dr Miriam Hotel and Casino this coming November. As a special incentive to assist JFNA in reaching their long-claimed – but never achieved – GA attendance numbers, Daddy Sheldon Warbucks (DSW) said he will comp the registration cost of any attendee who commits to voting for the candidate of [DSW’s] choice in 2016.
by Dr Gabe
PEW Study researchers admitted today that they had made a critical error in their collection and interpretation of data they used in painting such a dismal picture of American Jewry and its future. Continue reading
PAID ADVERTISEMENT
High Priest Boot Camp, June 27-July 27, 2015 – Pittsburgh, PA
Did you ever want to stand in front of your congregation to bless them?
Have you tried but failed to make the Vulcan “peace” sign also shared by Judaism’s high priests?
Are you actually a Levite or Israelite who simply wants to “pass” as a Kohen (High Priest)?
by Dr Gabe
The Ruling Council of the Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) shocked the Jewish world by offering to buy its unaffiliated Jews, estimated in the millions. John H. Hinkey III, President of the Ruling Council, said, “We are not trying to interfere with Judaism. We just need to increase our numbers and unaffiliated Jews are one way to do it. And, we’re paying good money for them!” Continue reading
Will spend billions of (yet to be raised) donor dollars to save Israel’s Jews from tapas, supermodels, and cell phone addiction.
by Asher V. Rausch
New York: In a bold departure from its solipsistic anxiety about institutional preservation despite numerous signs of market irrelevance, Jewish Federations of North America (JFNA) has announced a major initiative to fix what is broken about the Jewish identity of the average Israeli.
by Mordechai Shushan
with guidance from his friends at Makon
The results of the in-depth research into Jewish norms in Shushan recently released by the Pew Foundation (The Pew-rim Report) reveal worrying signs of growing assimilation, affecting the future of the Jewish People in Persia’s empire.
Lean in, lean out, recline. Federation leader, tired of being told how to position herself, interested in new employment opportunity based on experience and skills, not posture.
Respond to frustrated_exec@largecityfederation.org
by Dr. Gabe Goldman
International Reporter
New York: JESNA (Jewish Education Service of North America), which served as the Jewish federation’s national educational agency from 1981 to 2013, will open its doors again under its new name, Jewish Education Services of the United States (JESUS). Dr. Jonathan Woocher, said about the new initiative. “JESNA closed its doors in 2013 because it had achieved its goal of educating every Jew in American. JESNA was a victim of its own success. We simply ran out of uneducated Jews. At the same time, however, we discovered that virtually none of the 295 million Christians living in this country had any Jewish education at all! They have never lived in a sukkah, made a Shabbat challah or beat their breasts on Yom Kippur. And this is sad.” Woocher went on to explain that JESUS will work in cooperation with national Catholic and Protestant organizations to provide Christians of all ages with quality, Jewish education. “Our first goal,” Woocher explained as he raised a piece of matzah, “is to ensure that every Christian in the United States has the opportunity to experience a Passover Seder.” He paused before adding, “G-d willing.”
by Dr. Gabe Goldman
International Reporter
Rome, Italy: Pope Francis shocked Catholics worldwide by proclaiming Yom HaShoah to be the Catholic Holocaust Day. The Holy See announced, “There are those sitting here today, myself included, who remember the terrible years of Nazi persecution. The time has come for all Catholics to share in the collective guilt of this horror.” This startling proclamation followed the opening of the Vatican Archives to the public concerning the action of Pope Pius XII during the Second World War. Rabbi Abraham Skorka, rector of the Latin American Rabbinical Seminary in Buenos, and an international team of Jewish scholars were the first to review Archive documents. After the review, Rabbi Skorka was heard to mumble, “Oy vehs mir.” Catholic Holocaust Remembrance Day will feature the collecting of millions of paper clips, the showing of the mini-TV series, Shoah; and workshops on tolerance. It is not clear at this time whether gays, homosexuals, transsexuals, metrosexuals and kinky heterosexuals will be allowed to participate in these workshops.
pJewishMisanthropy 