Jewish Federations of North America Announce Diaspora-Israel Jewry Initiative Plan

Will spend billions of (yet to be raised) donor dollars to save Israel’s Jews from tapas, supermodels, and cell phone addiction.

by Asher V. Rausch

New York: In a bold departure from its solipsistic anxiety about institutional preservation despite numerous signs of market irrelevance, Jewish Federations of North America (JFNA) has announced a major initiative to fix what is broken about the Jewish identity of the average Israeli.

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The Pew-rim Report – Assimilation in Shushan

by Mordechai Shushan
with guidance from his friends at Makon

The results of the in-depth research into Jewish norms in Shushan recently released by the Pew Foundation (The Pew-rim Report) reveal worrying signs of growing assimilation, affecting the future of the Jewish People in Persia’s empire.

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Situation Wanted

Lean in, lean out, recline. Federation leader, tired of being told how to position herself, interested in new employment opportunity based on experience and skills, not posture.

Respond to frustrated_exec@largecityfederation.org

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JESNA to Become Jewish Educational Services of the United States

by Dr. Gabe Goldman
International Reporter

New York: JESNA (Jewish Education Service of North America), which served as the Jewish federation’s national educational agency from 1981 to 2013, will open its doors again under its new name, Jewish Education Services of the United States (JESUS). Dr. Jonathan Woocher, said about the new initiative. “JESNA closed its doors in 2013 because it had achieved its goal of educating every Jew in American. JESNA was a victim of its own success. We simply ran out of uneducated Jews. At the same time, however, we discovered that virtually none of the 295 million Christians living in this country had any Jewish education at all! They have never lived in a sukkah, made a Shabbat challah or beat their breasts on Yom Kippur. And this is sad.” Woocher went on to explain that JESUS will work in cooperation with national Catholic and Protestant organizations to provide Christians of all ages with quality, Jewish education. “Our first goal,” Woocher explained as he raised a piece of matzah, “is to ensure that every Christian in the United States has the opportunity to experience a Passover Seder.” He paused before adding, “G-d willing.”

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Vatican Declares Yom HaShoah Catholic Holocaust Day

by Dr. Gabe Goldman
International Reporter

Rome, Italy: Pope Francis shocked Catholics worldwide by proclaiming Yom HaShoah to be the Catholic Holocaust Day. The Holy See announced, “There are those sitting here today, myself included, who remember the terrible years of Nazi persecution. The time has come for all Catholics to share in the collective guilt of this horror.” This startling proclamation followed the opening of the Vatican Archives to the public concerning the action of Pope Pius XII during the Second World War. Rabbi Abraham Skorka, rector of the Latin American Rabbinical Seminary in Buenos, and an international team of Jewish scholars were the first to review Archive documents. After the review, Rabbi Skorka was heard to mumble, “Oy vehs mir.” Catholic Holocaust Remembrance Day will feature the collecting of millions of paper clips, the showing of the mini-TV series, Shoah; and workshops on tolerance. It is not clear at this time whether gays, homosexuals, transsexuals, metrosexuals and kinky heterosexuals will be allowed to participate in these workshops.

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American Jewish University and Yum Brands, Inc. Form Partnership

by Dr. Gabe Goldman
International Reporter

Los Angeles: The American Jewish University (AJU) has forged a new partnership with Yum Brands, operators of Taco Bell, KFC and Pizza Hut restaurants worldwide. The new partnership will merge the AJU’s Fingerhut School of Education with Pizza Hut resulting in the new, Pizza Hut School of Education. “We are extremely excited by this partnership,” said Dr. Robert Wexler, President of the University. “Not only will this partnership bring increased funding to the program but will also provide each of our graduate students with a job and a car!” Under the new agreement, each graduate student will receive a Pizza Hut car and a pizza delivery schedule that allows him/her to continue their graduate studies. The partnership is not without controversy, however. Members of the University faculty have threatened to protest plans to serve Pizza Hut pizzas in the university cafeteria. Rabbi Brad Artson, Dean of the Rabbinic School said, “These are tref pizzas. What will they do next, start a hog farm?

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The Fifth and Final “i” – INCOME

by Mordechai Shushan

February 24, 2013 – Jewish innovation funders have suspended organizational grantmaking and announced direct payments to individuals in exchange for signing a Jewish loyalty oath. In a stunning turn of events, major supporters of the so-called “Jewish innovation ecosystem” have announced they will end support to the myriad Jewish startups they’ve seeded over the past decade and opt for a direct to consumer strategy. “It was the obvious next step in our increasingly desperate attempts to ensure the Jewish future.” said one foundation professional. “I mean, how many organic cooperative eco-dance farm spiritual collectives can you stand? We’ve just decided to bottom-line the value proposition.

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